Losing the Leader
by gluegirl56
Summary: Adrift/Lifeline inserted scenes. It isn't easy losing someone close to you. Friendships are pushed to the limits and the bonds are fragile.   Please read and review.


Stargate Atlantis – Losing the Leader

Disclaimer: I own nothing and I don't mean to infringe on someone's rights by writing this. I merely do it because I love to write about these lovely characters, to keep them alive even though the show has ended.

Characters: Team Sheppard and Keller

Category: Angst/Friendship

Spoilers: Adrift/Lifeline (Inserted scenes)

Time: Season 5

_This is a one shot. I hope you enjoy and if you do I would appreciate a review. _

_Anyway it feels good to be back with a SGA story, even though this one might seem a bit confusing. _

This has been beta read by everybetty; thank you very much for your great help.

Should you find anything strange then I am to blame.

oooooooooo

John Sheppard walked silently toward the infirmary. Even though it was almost midnight he knew the place was buzzing with activity. One day had passed since Elizabeth had been injured and no matter how hard he tried, all he could think about, when he was alone, was her.

God, he was losing her. He ran a hand through his hair and licked his dry lips. His whole body hurt from the exertions of the day but he could tolerate physical pain; he had always been good at that. It was his mind that screamed at him, telling him this was the day that he would be losing her.

He watched her lifeless body and all the machines surrounding her. He caught the sympathetic look from the young and fairly new chief medical officer and it angered him. She didn't know what they had been through. Wasn't it enough that they had lost Carson and so many others?

_He_ had lost too many and he was sick of it.

The young woman looked at him. "Colonel, I am so sorry but…" She began to update him about Elizabeth's condition but he wasn't really listening. He had heard enough the last time.

Helplessness. He hated that feeling. Elizabeth was slipping away and he could do nothing about it. Was it faith? Was this how it was supposed to be?

"Colonel Sheppard, are you all right?" Doctor Jennifer Keller asked.

He heard in her voice that she was concerned for him but he pushed it away, pushed her away. Looking directly at her he told her a lie. "I'm fine."

"I'm sorry, Colonel…"

"_Colonel __Sheppard, please report to the gate room. Colonel Sheppard, please report to the gate room." _

She would have said more if he hadn't been called away.

He looked at her sadly before turning on his heels. "So am I Doctor Keller."

oooooooooo

Jennifer Keller looked after him as he disappeared through the door. His shoulders didn't seem as straight as they had been a day before. And she understood; he carried the double burden of command. Everyone looked to him for answers and Atlantis seemed to be in total chaos.

They were lost in the Pegasus galaxy and they were alone. Colonel Sheppard would be able to cope, wouldn't he? She was depending on him she realized, him and Dr. McKay to solve all this. Little Jennifer Keller; what had she gotten herself in to?

Here she was in another galaxy and the only one she knew from before was dead and she was to fill his shoes, a man that seemed to be respected and loved by the whole expedition.

"Carson, why did you leave me?" she whispered.

Keller looked at the kind woman who had insisted that she was doing a good job and convinced her to stay. Doctor Weir had placed her life in her hands and she couldn't save her.

Jennifer wanted to bolt from where she was and run, to get away from the heavy responsibility that threatened to crush her.

oooooooooo

Rodney stood at the center of command, the tower buzzing with activity. The clock showed 10:00 hours and it had been three days since the accident with Elizabeth. Still everything around him was going straight to hell and there didn't seem to be any way back. Atlantis was slowly dying beneath his feet and Elizabeth fought a losing battle to stay alive in the infirmary. Ronon was injured and frustrated and Teyla tried to help all of them at once' it was the way she was. Even if he called her Xena at times, he really valued her friendship and trusted her with his life; she seemed to have the strength to carry on no matter how hopeless the situation around her appeared.

Sheppard had kindly reminded him who was in charge and then simply disappeared out through the window, leaving him alone with the decision to help Doctor Keller. No, that was not exactly the truth; John had not permitted him working on Elizabeth using the reprogrammed nanites, claiming that it was for the best and that Elizabeth wouldn't have wanted that.

But he had done it anyway and maybe he had made the wrong decision; he didn't know but he had gotten a chance to try and save Elizabeth and he had taken it.

oooooooooo

Jennifer Keller sighed, she didn't know if she should cry or laugh. The nanites had done their job perfectly; it had been three days and her patient even had her hair grown back.

She looked up unhappily at Elizabeth as she gave her a go on the suicide mission - there was no way it would be anything else- and put down the note pad she had been holding.

"The nanites are doing their job. You are recuperating very well."

Elizabeth nodded at that and looked directly at her, her features displaying sorrow and defeat. "You don't know what you have done; you don't know how it was the last time," she said softly.

Jennifer hadn't known what to reply to that; for the first time she began to have second thoughts about her actions. She watched as her miraculously healed patient jumped down from the bed, zipped up her jacket and walked to stand before her.

The diplomat squeezed her shoulder lightly and her face displayed various emotions but Jennifer could single out one, despite how well it was hidden. Fear.

"Take care, Jennifer; it may not have been the best of times to come here but I don't regret bringing you. We are depending on you."

That had been the last time she had seen Doctor Elizabeth Weir alive.

oooooooooo

Ronon stood gazing out through the broken window in the top spire of Atlantis, his mind still down in the infirmary. He had watched Elizabeth's seemingly lifeless body, sitting next to her bed in the busy intensive care section. The medical assistant's words had still been fresh in his mind about removing a part of her skull to let the brain expand beyond the head.

He sighed. She had at least survived that and he admired her, had always admired her, for her strength and force of will. It had made it harder to try and speak with her as she lay there helpless, hooked up to various machines forcing life into her. He didn't know if that had been the last time he saw her alive, if that was life. Keller had gently but firmly ordered him out of the room and he hadn't heard a thing for hours.

Then suddenly he was to report to the infirmary and there she was, sitting on the bed like nothing had happened, she even had her hair grown back. He shuddered at the ability the Replicators' possessed but tried to ignore the fact that she was partly replaced by them. Although she looked the same and appeared the same, he didn't know if he could trust her. The last proposed mission didn't appeal to him either.

They had reached the end of the road; had he come this far only to die in the vacuum of space or on the Replicator home world? Ronon shrugged; no, they weren't going to die at all. He balled his fists angrily and headed for the jumper bay.

oooooooooo

Teyla stood in the gate room waiting for the jumper to come down from the hangar bay. She wished they had never made contact with the Asurans, never come across replicators. Too many things had happened during the three days that had passed since Atlantis left Lantia, mostly bad ones.

She remembered talking to Elizabeth right after she had been returned to the land of the living. Up until that day she had feared the Replicators' ability, but at that moment she had silently applauded that same ability.

Rodney and John had been furious with one another and unfortunately it didn't help to bring light to the dark matters at hand. Elizabeth had admonished Rodney's work as well for a reason Teyla had a hard time to accept at that moment but now she began to understand.

She had a deeper understanding for John's actions and she had been a fool for dismissing his actions as stupid then; after all he had been the one helping Elizabeth out of the Replicator nightmare she had experienced before. She wondered if she would see any of them ever again as the jumper took off for the Replicator home world.

oooooooooo

Another day had gone by and, although he knew he should be thankful so many people had survived, he couldn't help but wonder if _she_ had survived if he had acted differently.

John Sheppard stood on the balcony; Colonel Carter had long gone and the clouds had cleared, revealing the vast and cold space among the stars. Taking a deep breath he continued to stare at the cold realms of space. On one of those small dots he pictured Elizabeth.

He really shouldn't be out here because there were millions of things to do, papers to be signed, and teams to be sent out to evaluate the new planet but he couldn't seem to leave; he needed to be here. It was their place, where they had talked, laughed and argued.

He gripped the railing so hard that his fingers turned white but he didn't care. He had not lost her once but twice.

"_This is a very bad __idea, John." _Her ghostly voice echoed in his mind.

He was starting to believe that she really was dead because everyone told him she was. At first he felt empty, like a part of him had died with her, but then he started to refuse to accept her death. Doctor Heightmeyer would tell him he was in denial but he didn't care.

Elizabeth had been a great friend and she had given him a chance to become something greater. He had respected her and he could always turn to her. There were times when they fought each other's decisions, when they had argued but he had actually liked it. He needed her and in his special way he realized that he had loved her.

Soft footsteps were heard behind him and he turned, almost expecting it to be her. Teyla looked at him and their eyes met in silence, a moment of understanding. They put their arms around each other. Teyla was a strong woman but today she let a tear fall down on John's shoulder.

"I've lost her, Teyla; I've failed," he whispered.

"No, John, _we_ have lost her; _we_ have failed."

They broke the hug and she put her hands on his shoulders. "John, Rodney blames himself."

He turned his head away, staring emptily at the unfamiliar ocean. "He should, she didn't want to."

"He wanted to save her, John, just as much as you did."

He didn't answer her; he kept staring out in nothingness.

She looked at him sadly, waiting for him to speak his mind.

"I know he did, Teyla, and thanks to her we managed to overpower the Replicators. She saved us all on a mission she didn't want to approve."

"You are not angry at Rodney, are you? You are angry with yourself. John, that is ridiculous, it was not your fault."

"I know and I'll be fine; it'll just… take some time; Teyla."

She nodded.

The door swished open revealing Ronon and Rodney; they walked up to stand next to them. The team was gathered and all of them looked at the millions of stars that decorated the sky.

Sheppard turned to McKay, who walked up to stand on his right side, and they nodded at each other but no one spoke. Rodney watched the vast ocean in front of him, and then let his eyes slowly wander to the tired person standing beside him. He saw the pain in Sheppard's features and the deep hidden agony in his facial expression. They had known each other too long, they knew each other inside and out and their lives depended on each other's capabilities every day.

He could see it in Teyla's and Ronon's features as well, the pain of losing another friend. It had been only weeks since Carson had been killed in the only place they called safe in the Pegasus galaxy, Atlantis herself, and now in the same city, their home, Elizabeth's life had been snatched away from them.

The latter was not exactly the whole truth because Elizabeth had died on a mission, at least the _second_ time; she would have succumbed to death the first time if the nanites hadn't saved her. He drew a deep breath and swallowed. He couldn't cope with things like this; he didn't care to have many friends but the ones he had, he loved as family members and at this rate his family members, all of his family, would soon be dead. He kept seeing Carson and he kept seeing Elizabeth when he closed his eyes; sometimes they were happy and sometimes they were sad. Sometimes the ugly truth hit him, they were dead.

"Thanks," Sheppard said suddenly, green eyes looking directly at Rodney.

His blue eyes locked with Sheppard's, not really comprehending at first. "I disobeyed your orders."

John nodded thoughtfully. "Yes, and I am happy you did."

"Are you sure because you didn't sound very grateful," he began unbelievingly.

Sheppard broke eye contact but at the corner of his mouth lurked a smile. "I had to do as Elizabeth would have done. I had to neutralize the threat."

Rodney exploded. "Neutralize the threat! She was our friend, for Heaven's sake!"

"She was becoming a Replicator, Rodney." Sheppard replied through clenched teeth.

"I saved her and then let her die at the hands of the Replicators!"

"She saved all our assess back there."

"We never leave anyone behind, do you remember that expression?" Rodney taunted. "This time we did."

"Do you think I wanted it to end like this?" John asked angrily.

Rodney looked away. "No," he whispered.

John closed his eyes briefly. "Sometimes I wish I'd never set foot in this galaxy, never ferried the general to that stupid outpost, never agreed to sign on to the expedition."

"Never meeting us?" Teyla asked softly.

Sheppard felt a pang of guilt looking into her soft brown eyes. "Teyla, I am sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

She smiled at him, even if it was a bit strained. "I know you didn't."

"I think I…" He hesitated for a moment, staring out at the clusters of stars. "…I think I loved her."

Teyla put a hand on John's shoulder. "We all did, just in different ways."

"Don't worry about it, Sheppard," Ronon spoke up for the first time. "She'll be with us again someday."

The Satedan stood silently with the family he had left. His beloved on Sateda, his friends from before and Carson; the Wraith had taken so many from him, his entire people swept away by the ancient enemy; he owed them so much grief.

But today he had made another enemy, an enemy that had taken something from all of them that couldn't be replaced and one day the Replicators would pay for what they had done, because he knew they wouldn't all be dead and when he found them…

oooooooooo

The end


End file.
